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Me at 25

Some of my fave writers are on a kick this month… letters to ourselves.  Given where I am in my life right now, pregnant… again.  Scared… again, this seemed like a great time to think back to what I would tell myself just before getting pregnant with M.  So, here is what I would tell 25 year old me.

Dear Crystal,

Yes, this is you, at 30.  You are married, have a 4 year old boy and live in the suburbs.  You are STILL working at the University.  Yes, I know,  STILL!  You have done pretty well for yourself.  Your life at 30 is incredible and rewarding, but there are some things you should know.

First of all, nice work on your pick of a husband.  I know right now you just celebrated your first anniversary and it is all pretty easy still, but times will get tougher so just know that you have an amazing partner.  A is going to support you through all of the losses and changes in life and be a real joy to celebrate the victories with.

Losses… I know that you are still recovering from your loss.  Losing your first pregnancy was the hardest thing you have ever gone through.  I wish I could say that remains true, but I can’t.  You will face more loss; even more debilitating, heart-wrenching, life-altering loss.  Your fear right now of never having a baby is unfounded.  You will get pregnant in about 2 months actually!  You will be scared, but will still celebrate the news with wild abandon (even breaking the news to A via your current baby, Baxter [who I am sorry to tell you will lose his battle with a heart murmur in 5 years], and a special dinner… oh and don’t hold it against A when he falls asleep at dinner.  It doesn’t mean he isn’t excited!)  In the end all will work out fine.  In fact, giving birth to M will be a defining moment in your life.  You will feel an intense sense of power as you single-handedly bring that baby into the world!!  My advice to you through the pregnancy and birth… cherish it.  Love every moment.  Document it all.  Relish in what your body is doing.  Give thanks for the blessings you have been given.

You will be on a journey in your life that will quickly change you forever.  Before you know it your passion will become helping other mothers to breastfeed their children, something you will struggle with for MONTHS.  But you will stick with it and end up nursing your son until he is 2.5!  I know you can’t imagine nursing that long, but you will find that they are babies much longer than you think now.  You will spend your time researching, writing about, talking about, and learning about breastfeeding.  You will play a big role in the lives of many new mothers!   You will become a La Leche League leader!  (I know you don’t know what that is now, but you will once your mom buys you a book in your first week postpartum!)

You will also face one of the hardest roads when you and A decide to have another baby.  Like I said before, there is more loss.   You will lose a surprise baby at 2 months, just as you learn about it and then you will find out she was your little girl.  This will destroy you.  You will spend the next 10 months in a deep depression that tests your marriage, your will, and your spirit.  But you have an amazing husband, friends, and family that will help you through it.  And you will write.  You will write about your deepest feelings and put yourself out there in an incredibly scary way.  You will constantly question your decision to do so, but will always end up encouraged by the people that reach out to you and thank you for it.  You writing will be what finally pulls you through.  Another early loss will be handled so much easier than before and you will continue your journey to conceive.  And you will, a fifth time.  I am waiting to see how this one turns out, but we are already better off than before.

Your son, M, will be an incredible blessing.  He is such an amazing and smart little guy.  He is a miniature A in many ways.  He is a handful and there are no books that will tell you how to raise him.  Some people say you will have to write it yourself one day!  He will test you and your sanity daily, but the rewards of having the opportunity to raise him are beyond what you can imagine.  You will be beside yourself with pride as you watch him develop and mature.  His humor will keep you laughing, his hugs and “I love you”s will melt your heart.  And you will be amazed at how athletic he is!  No, seriously!

You will not be the mom you always pictured yourself being.  You won’t be able to be the easy going, flow with the wind mom you imagined.  M will require much more structure, consistency, and persistence.  It will be painful sometimes and you will mourn the loss of that vision you had sometimes.  And then you will understand the rewards that come with a child like M and you will thank God, the heavens, and the Earth for him.

I want you to know that I am proud of you.  You have made some difficult choices to get where you are at 25, you have worked so hard all your life.  Right now, you feel like you have the world by the horns in so many ways.  And you do!  A wonderful marriage, just finished your Masters degree, a new house.  Life is good!  But there is so much more in store for you.  Please, be gentle with yourself.  Remember that your body is amazing and can give and sustain life!  Remember that weakness is ok, that you can ask for help.  Remember that even the scariest experiences can bring new opportunities to you.

So, I am you, at 30.  I am still passionate, driven, and hopeful.  I am still thankful and reflective.  The best advice I have for you is to enjoy the road because it all goes by way too fast.  I look forward to seeing what our 35 year old self has to say.  She will have many answers to questions I have now and I think we are setting her up to be a pretty amazing woman.

-Me

So, what would you tell your self from 5 years ago?  I feel like there is so much more I could say.

Here are some other great letters:

http://thefeministbreeder.com/a-letter-to-my-27-year-old-self/
http://momotics.com/a-letter-to-my-20-year-old-self/
http://momalom.com/2010/02/a-letter-to-my-body-in-its-40th-year/ – little different, but still a great letter!

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